


You Ruined Everything

by Unda



Series: It's the end of the world as we know it [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Denial, F/F, F/M, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 07:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11550756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unda/pseuds/Unda
Summary: Your name is Jane Egbert, and you are eight years old. Today your father sits you down on the sofa, his pipe in his mouth and informs you that your grandmother has died. You look at the jar of ashes on the mantlepiece and think that this is not news to you.“No, Jane,” he tells you, “your other grandmother. Your mother’s mother.”





	You Ruined Everything

**Author's Note:**

> The fic title is from the Johnathan Coulton song of the same name that I feel fits quite well.

Your name is Jane Egbert, and you are eight years old. Today your father sits you down on the sofa, his pipe in his mouth and informs you that your grandmother has died. You look at the jar of ashes on the mantlepiece and think that this is not news to you.

“No, Jane,” he tells you, “your other grandmother. Your mother’s mother.”

In all honesty, you don’t remember your mother, she died when John was born and even before then she wasn’t home very much.

“Jane, she wasn’t a nice lady. She didn’t like me, and though she was pleased when you were born, she was angry that your mother had time for anything in her life outside of her and the company. She never even wanted John to exist either and-” He shakes his head.

“I know you should feel bad when someone dies but I think your mother only took you to meet her a few times, you probably don’t even remember her. So if you don’t feel bad, that’s ok.” he says. John is ignoring both of you as he smashes Duplo bricks together with loud explosion sounds from his place on the floor.

“Some men from the company are in the kitchen to talk to you about her will.” your dad says, and he stands up and leads you in there. You don’t know what they want to talk to you about, but you’re excited to find out. You’ve always been a big fan of mysteries and to get one of your own that’s launched by the death of a distant family member and a will, well it’s right out of Clue or a Scooby Doo episode!

In the kitchen are two men in suits that look like they came from a factory somewhere they look so similar, their ties are clipped to their shirts with little red Betty Crocker pins.

“Jane Egbert, please take a seat.” one of the men says.

You climb up onto one of the kitchen chairs, and your father sets his reassuring fatherly hand on your shoulder.

“Your grandmother has unfortunately passed away but we have her will with us here, and it concerns you.” the man says. You nod that you understand and wait for him to continue. He opens up a thick piece of paper and you recognise the company’s seal stamped on the top of the letter.

“Your grandmother is leaving you, in full, total control of the Betty Crocker company and associated branded products as well as her full financial wealth.” he says calmly.

“What?” you gasp, you know that your grandmother was obscenely wealthy but that she chose not to share any of that with your family because she didn’t like your dad.

“However, there are stipulations to this. You are obviously too young to run a company so you will be taught how to run it as you grow up, and as you age more and more control of the company and decisions will fall to you each year until you turn eighteen years of age. That year you will become a true heiress to your grandmother. You will be paid an allowance until then of a thousand dollars a week.” the man continues, and you gasp in shock at that much money.

“There are also some physical items to be handed down to you, notably this tiara.” he says, and his coworker sets a briefcase on your kitchen counter and opens it to show the most sparkly tiara that you have ever seen in your entire life.

“You will also need to change your last name from Egbert to Crocker, as befitting the owner of the company.” the man says.

“Absolutely not.” your father says sternly.

“This teaching time will no doubt cut into Jane’s schooling, which is unacceptable. Not to mention it pens her into a life that she may decide she does not want. Not to mention I know how many attempts were made on my wife and my mother-in-law’s life. I’m not putting Jane at risk of that or subjecting her to the security needed to stop any attempts on her life. And changing her name is just… no, I will not allow this.” your father lectures them.

“It is not your decision, Mr. Egbert. However, there are provisions in here if Jane decides to reject this kind offer from her late grandmother. Firstly she and you will get nothing from the inheritance. Second of all, Mrs Crocker owns the land that this house is built on and refusal of the will directly lead to this house being bulldozed.” the man says coldly.

“What? No she doesn’t!” your father protests but the man slaps a set of papers on the table before him. You turn to look at him and see the grim expression on his face. That wasn’t a bluff.

“In addition to this we have no less than six lawsuits against you from the company that have been compiled over the years, refusal of the will sets these into motion. We will be suing you for libel, slander, defamation, corporate espionage, intellectual property theft and emotional damages.” he says and sets more paper on the table.

“You have seven days to say yes to this, miss. If you wait longer, we will take this as a no.” the man tells you and he and the other man see themselves out, leaving your father with paperwork that he is going over in horror.

He spends a huge amount of time over the next few days going over the will and the documents that the men left with you, consulting with business friends and lawyers that he can hardly afford. It seems that your dead grandmother wasn’t one for weak threats, she’s got you trapped.

Six days after your grandmother dies your name is changed to Jane Crocker.

You are enrolled in a high-security private school at the orders of the company, an armoured car takes you from there to home and sometimes to CrockerCorp.

You are ten the first time someone tries to kill you. Someone at the company opens mail addressed to you, they find him a few hours later dead and covered in strange powder. Your father forbids you from going outside alone, and you’re not allowed to tell anyone online who you really are.

When you are eleven you wake up to a burning on your arm, and a tiger is etched into your skin, you curl around your pillow, and you don’t know whether to be happy or sad. You’re so alone thanks to your grandmother’s demands but you’re not sure if it’s right to bring anyone else into your mess. You wonder what on Earth your soulmate has as a mark for you.

By the time you’re twelve, you have friends. Just the two and they’re online instead of being in person. They both have younger siblings too, and the cute thing is that the three kids get on famously as well. You talk to Roxy about all kinds of things, she’s homeschooled, so she understands what it’s like to be lonely. With Jake, the three of you set up movie nights and he tells you all about the jungle island that he lives on and it makes you dream of being there. You can just see it now, walking under giant green leaves and hearing the calls of strange exotic animals and feeling the warm, humid air on your skin.

As you grow older more people threaten you and what few friends you have at your new school avoid you more and more. Your life becomes your forced apprenticeship at CrockerCorp, your online friends and your two hobbies of baking and reading detective novels. Your life is not super exciting.

So you live vicariously. You let Roxy gush about her favourite animes and tv shows, you listen to Jake talk about his movies and when your days are particularly bad, you go to Jake for one specific daydream.

[gutsyGumshoe began pestering golgothasTerror]  
GG: Hey Jake, can you tell me about your island again?  
GT: Oh wow has it been that bad of a day?  
GG: It absolutely has.  
GT: Well i can hardly deny a request like that then can i?  
GT: Hmm where to start…  
GG: Anywhere is fine.  
GT: Well today i was climbing a good number of trees on the coast to get us some coconuts. And i dont know if you have ever seen a coconut crab jane but they are preposterously large and they give you quite the fright when youre not expecting to happen upon one!  
GG: How big are they?  
GT: Well i have seen bigger ones than this guy before but he was a good half a metre or so.  
GG: I have no idea what that is in real money.  
GT: The metric system is far superior just so you know.  
GG: Holy smokes google says that’s one foot six inches, that can’t be right!  
GT: It is! Theyre pretty harmless though and they walk pretty slow so theyre fun to watch.  
GT: But yes today i got coconuts for jade because she had a hankering for them and i sat by the water and watched the waves for a while. I am sure that it wasnt as productive as your day but it was nice.

You shut your eyes for a moment. Jake is so far away from you, so far away from everyone. He’s far away from everyone at CrockerCorp, from the people at school who avoid you, from the press, from your father who won’t so much as give you room to breathe these days. If you could be there, then everything would be fine. You could sit by his side and watch the sea, you could talk to him about movies in person and watch stupidly large crabs walks about. It sounds like paradise.

GG: I wish I could be there.  
GT: You would certainly be welcome my dear!

You run your fingers over the tiger on your arm and wonder if this jungle boy is the kind of cat that stalks through forests and lives on your arm. It would be so sweet if he was, then you could get to him. You don’t know how, a boat or a plane maybe. You could go there, and no one would try to kill him, no one would harass him and you wouldn’t have to work for your grandmother’s terrible company anymore.

Even as you age and make other friends you still go back to your dream of escaping all of this with Jake. He’s a sweet boy, he’s good looking, he’s funny and he’s nice. You could fall in love with him. Sometimes he doesn’t seem to get you, though, sometimes it’s as if he doesn’t really see you.

That’s not a problem that you have with Roxy. She’s your best friend, she lives in a forest on a waterfall and she too sounds so far from your problems that it makes you ill sometimes. But she has her own problems too, her mother is super rich but doesn’t seem to care much. She has a drinking problem and honestly so does Roxy. But sober or drunk Roxy always reads you like a book.

You know you should never have told them who you really were, but you couldn’t stand them not knowing. Even when Roxy’s friend… uncle… brother… whatever he is, even when he came into the picture he was clued in.

Dirk is a strange one, but he’s got a dry humour that you can appreciate, that he intersperses it with silliness played straight or sudden crudeness only makes him funnier. Like one year he edited an entire pony pals book just for you, it had you laughing so hard you cried. He’s apparently gay as a peacock too, so you don’t have to worry about him making any kind of pass at you. He turns out to be a sweet guy deep down and though he’s not very good at listening to you vent, he is very good when what you want is a solution to a problem.

He’s utterly smitten with his little brother and essentially acts like the kid’s mom in a way that is both super cute and makes you feel guilty for not being closer to John. But it’s not your fault, John is five years younger than you and a pain in the ass. He’s at that age where he seeks to do nothing but annoy you and the prank wars in your house are getting absurd. Just this morning he shot you in the face with a water pistol filled with green slime, you do love him but he’s a little turd at times. Dirk apparently has no such problems with Dave. Jake and Jade butt heads sometimes but they have a whole island to cool off from each other in so it hardly compares. Roxy understands though, she and Rose are always squabbling although it’s far more passive aggressive and involves no water pistols.

You’re sixteen and stuck at a hotel with your family for a week because someone tried to blow up your mailbox, presumably to get you when you got the mail. Not only did they fail to blow you up but they failed to even blow up the mailbox either. John is whining about having to stay there and you’re distracting yourself with your laptop and talking to Roxy. She’s better about being sober these days and you’re proud of her for it, even if she’s still a goofball with poor spelling when she’s sober. She’s your best friend though, and your life would be poorer without her.

TG:: hey janey  
TG:: do u have a min because i kinda wanna talk to you boug something  
TG:: *bout  
GG: Honestly Roxy I would love a distraction! :B  
GG: Hit me up!  
TG:: o sweet  
TG:: can you uh… tell me about your soulmark?  
GG: What do you want to know?  
TG:: just like what youve got goin on there these days  
GG: Well, I’ve got my tiger.  
TG:: big kitty kat best toe beans <3  
GG: Haha! I’m very fond of my tiger.  
TG:: hey u know im always a fan of cats janey  
TG:: what eles?  
TG:: *else  
GG: Roxy, forgive me for asking but have you been drinking?  
TG:: oh! no no im good  
TG:: promise. my butt is still firmly on this wagon.  
GG: Okay, good. Well, I’ve also got a sniper thing that you look through.  
TG:: like what you see through a sniper scope? my mom bought me one of those for my air rifle and i am the very best with it you best believe  
GG: I also have a box that has a dotted pattern on it in the shape of a cat, that one is recent.  
TG:: OMG!  
TG:: schrödinger's cat!!! my fave quantum physics based argument with cats!  
TG:: not a broad category but still  


You take your hands off of the keyboard of your laptop and press them to your face. You know where this is going. The two of you have gone down this pathway before. It’s probably kinder to nip this in the bud.

GG: Roxy, I know where you’re going for this. Any half-baked detective would.  
TG:: that we are soulmates you mean?  
GG: No, that you think we are and you’re trying to get us to have this conversation again.  
TG:: we havent ever actually had this conversation jane!  
TG:: i really want to have this onversation  
TG:: *conversation  
GG: I just can’t do this.  
GG: It’s not you, we’re just too far apart and maybe you’re just seeing what you want to see, plus I don’t even know if I like girls like that.  
GG: And there are other things that make it complicated.  
TG:: well we are friends long distance and thats no problem and we could always visit and like test this out. i can get a bus to you if i have to! i am all for being sure and ruling this one way or the other.  
TG:: isnt that the detective thing to do?  
TG:: what other complications are there?  


You smush your face into the mattress and groan. You had questioned the board about your soulmate precisely once. They had said that since soulmates had caused such a problem in the past, not so subtly insulting your father with that comment, that they weren’t in favour of them. Any soulmate of yours would have absolutely nothing to do with the business and he would have to sign away any rights to it immediately.

You had thought of Roxy’s marks and asked, weakly, what would happen if your soulmate was a woman instead? The room full of executives had scowled at you as one and informed you sharply that this was a family friendly company and they will not allow that sort of nonsense.

You think about the failed attempt on your life. You think about the dead person who opened your mail before. You think about the lengths that the company is willing to go through to keep you and what they have threatened your loved ones with. No doubt they would prefer you have a dead female soulmate than a living female one. Not to mention the companies enemies being able to kidnap or kill someone with such a tangible connection to you.

Behind your shut eyelids you see Roxy’s body on the ground surrounded by blood.

No. It can’t be her.

You can dream of Jake because he’d be safe, who could ever find him? The company would like him too because he’s so far away from you. But Roxy with all her determination… no.

GG: It’s just complicated is all.  
GG: I’m sorry Roxy, I just don’t want to get your hopes up without being able to test things and you know my dad and the company would never let us meet. You’re not even supposed to know who I am! You could get me in real trouble.  
GG: Please don’t do anything reckless.  
TG:: i dont understand  
TG:: i can send you a photo of the arm with you on if thats what you need  
GG: It’s not. I’m sorry I have to go.  


You shut your laptop with a sigh. This is not the first time that you have rebuffed her but it’s the first time you’ve had to do so this plainly. Usually you’re able to be subtle about it or play off that you don’t get what she’s hinting at.

You feel bad, but you know that Roxy has a soulmark pattern on each arm, one that she thinks is you and one belonging to someone else. You force yourself to get up and watch The Rock with John on hotel pay-per-view. You stare at Nicolas Cage’s weird face and try to convince yourself that it would be fine if Roxy was your soulmate. If you never meet her then she’s not linked back to you and she’s safe, plus she has another soulmate to love eventually anyway. You don’t even know if you would be capable of sharing your soulmate with someone else like that.

It can’t be you. It can’t be her.

You pull John into your lap and squeeze him tight.

When you’re seventeen, you are walking around the stone walls to the school that you hate where no one talks to you. This evening you have a board meeting regarding a possible company rebranding, something that you don’t agree with. A brick just by your head explodes into rubble and your eyes widen in fear. You’re already running when the next shot fires and the first thing that comes into your head is that gunfire doesn’t sound like it does in movies, not all theatrical bangs but distant pops and exploding masonry.

You skid around the wall and sprint into your school. John is in the lower year of your school now, and you have to find him and get out of here ASAP. If they’re after you then they may come for him. No one ever has before, but then no one has ever outright tried to shoot you before.

You call your driver as you run and explain the situation, you skid through hallways until you see that mop of black hair all sticking up at impossible angles, until you see those square glasses and the buck teeth that you think are cute on him but hate on yourself. You grab his hand and keep running, you don’t even know if you’re going to be chased but by golly you are not waiting around to find out.

“Another attempt?” John shouts as he tries to keep pace with you.

“They shot at me!” you yell somewhat hysterically.

“Shit!” John exclaims, and you don’t caution him to watch his language. You sprint out of the school and another gunshot greets you, shattering a brick six feet to your right. You duck and dash to the company car that screeches up towards you. You throw John inside and follow right after. You haul the door shut and the car peels out of the lot. A jarring metal noise terrifies you as the car proves just how bulletproof it is.

“Tell dad what’s happening, I need to call the company.” you say and John nods, already typing.

CrockerCorp freaks out, you only are just able to get them to agree to let you pick up your Dad. The three of you have to go hide out somewhere unexpected, somewhere people won’t think to look for you. When you’re doing that they’ll track down whoever tried to kill you and deliver some swift justice. But where do you go?

Your first thought is of Jake’s island. Of somewhere so far from anywhere that you will definitely be safe. But that is impractical and if nothing else you have to be practical. It’s John who suggests Texas and you long to see two of your best friends, to be safe with people who love you. As far as the danger for them goes it’s pretty safe, no one knows who they are to you, so the location and people are totally random as far as anyone trying to kill you is concerned.

You switch cars three times on the way there and when you arrive your little brother sprints off like a crazy person and it takes you too long to notice to be able to catch up to him easily. You and your dad split up to find him, and you vow as you run that you’re going to wring his goddamn neck when you do find him. Like, he knows someone just tried to kill you, right? Why the heck does he think that running off is a good idea?

You run around for a while until you see John and then immediately recognise Dave and Rose right near him with some trolls. And of course the tall blonde girl is your very best friend of all, sweet, sweet Roxy who actually has her hair in tiny little pigtails that are so cute you could scream. You don’t scream though, you sneak towards her with your prankster’s gambit tingling with anticipation. Dave nearly blows your cover, but you still manage to get the drop on Roxy.

You leap on her from behind, wrapping your arms around her and making her shriek girlishly.

Your arm feels… it’s not as if your skin is crawling but more like the marks on your skin are moving somehow and then there the sharp burn around your ring finger. You’re pretty sure that your heart has frozen in your chest. Why didn’t you think about this? It can’t be her, it can’t. You were so sure that it couldn’t be, shouldn’t be her, that you’d sold yourself on the idea. Your company would be proud, the first step in selling anything is to believe in what you’re selling, and you’ve been selling the idea that Roxy is not your soulmate.

You watch as pink and blue burn themselves around your finger. You should be happy, but all you can feel is the whiz of bullets just missing you, missing her. You agreed that it wasn’t her. It can’t be. It’s not.

No.

It’s got to be something else, anything else. You search around for something desperately, a prank of some kind.

“What did you… how did you do this?” you ask, Roxy is already going on excitedly about how she knew it was you. This needs to stop. She is looking at you with puzzlement and hurt in her eyes, they’re so much pinker in person than you thought.

“Do? I didn’t do anything. I couldn’t make this happen, it happened because you touched my arm, because you’re my soulmate. Come on Jane, you’re the big detective. I’m your soulmate, we’re soulmates.” Roxy says patiently. Soulmates? You imagine her on the floor in a halo of blood with a warning that you’ll be next. No, no, no. This can’t be happening.

Deny, deflect, avoid questions like you avoid the press.

“No, you must have done something. Something to make it react to you instead. It can’t be you, it’s Jake. It has to be Jake.” you accuse. You wish it were Jake, he’s too far away for complicated things like this to happen. Jake was your fantasy and your plan, too far from the business to be any danger to anything. But Roxy has no boundaries.

You look up at her and even you would be blind not to see how hurt she is.

“It’s not. A-and that’s nothing against Jake, I love Jake. But I love you, Jane. You’re my soulmate, I’ve known for ages. I mean, look I’ve got your cakes, your fork, the whole detective hat thing here and even a moustache on the inside of my finger, look.” Roxy says, and she’s laughing because she’s on the edge of crying.

You don’t want to hurt her. You don’t want to hurt her feelings or put her in danger. You never should have come here. You should have kept this fragile thing at arms length like you always have. You back away and you’re aware that they’re all staring at you.

“Jane, please.” Roxy begs, reaching out for you.

You can’t.

“I- I can’t! I’m sorry!” you sob and run away like a coward.

You make it back to the car but your dad isn’t there, he’s still looking for John. You cover your face with your hands and cry. Roxy is your best friend, and you just ruined everything with her. She probably hates you now, she should hate you. You wonder if you should cultivate that hate to keep her away from you, keep her safe. But the idea that this thing you just did might push her back into drinking is a worse thought.

She can get over it, she got over it before without help from you.

Have you always been this terrible or did the company make you become this way?

“Wow, that was awful. You’re a butt, Jane.” John says, wheezing a little from presumably running after you.

“I know.” you say morosely, dropping your hands.

“Roxy’s really hurt.” John tells you, as if you hadn’t noticed.

“I know. Fuck, maybe I should have just stayed still when that guy was trying to shoot me.” you say miserably as you stare at the floor. You are unprepared when John lashes out and punches you right in the boob.

“OW!” you yelp but John is scowling.

“Don’t you dare pull that shit with me, Jane!” he yells angrily.

“I know you have to do this Crocker stuff and you hate it but don’t say shit like that. And, like, stop ruining your own stupid life. I thought you’d want to come here to hang out with your friends to feel better and you're messing it up, you even found your soulmate and you’re messing that up too.” John says harshly. You hate that he’s right.

“You’re twelve and you don’t even have a mark yet so what do you know?” you say meanly and John glowers petulantly at you.

“I know that you’re being an asshole for no reason. Why are you leaving when Roxy obviously wants you around?” he asks.

“Did you miss the part where someone tried to kill us just recently? I can’t drag Roxy and her family into that.” you protest.

John rolls his eyes and then pokes your newly burnt on ring, it feels like a shackle.

“Little late for that.” he says.

An hour later you’re sat on a terrible hotel bed again and staring morosely at your laptop. Roxy has left you a slew of messages alternating between begging you to talk to her and then telling you to never speak to her or anyone else ever again. Your dad and John are playing go fish on the small table across the room and giving you pitying looks. When another message comes in you’re surprised to see it’s not Roxy.

[timaeusTestified began pestering gutsyGumshoe]  
TT: Hey.  
GG: Oh, hi Dirk. I’m surprised to hear from you if I’m totally honest.  
TT: Thought I’d be playing the ‘you hurt Roxy now I hate you’ card as I throw a friendship bracelet to the floor and smash it?  
TT: You never even bought me a friendship bracelet, I had to buy my own to smash. It just won’t do.  
TT: Shit’s outrageous.  


You cover your mouth with your hand and only just suppress the giggle that crawls up.

GG: Won’t Roxy be mad if you’re talking to me though?  
TT: Honestly I think she’s reached a peak point of anger that means nothing I do can add to it. Actually, shit I should go fuck with the cables on her server that are so messy that they drive me nuts, if I can get away with it I should.  
TT: But no, you’re my friend too so I can talk to whoever I want.  
GG: I’m not really sure that I’m the best of company right now.  
TT: Yeah, I figured.  
TT: Guess I’m gonna stop wasting your time and just straight up ask you if you’re ok, which you’re obviously not but mostly just ask what the hell is happening here.  
GG: I am not okay, I don’t think.  
TT: Noted. Is it just because of Roxy?  
GG: No.  
GG: I- shoot this sounds stupid but someone tried to kill me the other day.  
TT: What? When? How? Why didn’t I know about this?  
GG: I didn’t tell you, that’s why, dummy. I mean maybe I should have told you but I didn’t.  
TT: Well no shit but I meant more why the heck did Hal not tell me about this? He’s supposed to be combing the news for shit like that about you and reporting back.  
TT: Hal what the fuck?  
[autonomousTerminal joined the conversation]  
GG: Oh no.  
AT: Nice to hear from you too Jane.  
AT: Also don’t blame me there is literally zero press about this and you know I hate getting in CrockerCorp servers, they make me feel gross.  
GG: We suppressed any news or reports of any kind about it, the school is very good with things like that even without the company being involved.  
AT: There’s your answer. Can I go now?  
TT: Fine, get lost.  
AT: Blow my ports, Dirk.  
[autonomousTerminal left the conversation]  
GG: I really don’t like how he can do that.  
TT: Sorry.  
TT: But shit, Jane, this is awful. Someone tried to kill you, how are you handling that? Are you talking to therapists and what have you? Have they caught the guy?  
GG: It is awful!  
GG: And no I’m not into that kind of malarkey and as far as I know my gun wielding assassin is still on the loose.  
TT: Ok, well I’m going to do some work on that with Hal but we’ll put a pin in that for now. I guess this matching with Roxy couldn’t have come at a more stressful time then?  
GG: I don’t want to get any of you caught up in this Dirk. I just have to survive one more year of this and then I can destroy this company and walk away free, or that’s my plan at least.  
TT: It’s a nice plan, but you should probably look after yourself too. And Roxy is already all over your shit anyway, keeping her in the dark about this is going to hurt rather than help.  
GG: Seeing as you’ve never been in this situation I think that I don’t need to take your advice!  


You shut your laptop and scowl at it before relenting a few moments later and opening it back up. You’ve alienated enough people today, you don’t need to add to that list.

TT: I relate more than you might think.  
TT: I’ve been through something kind of similar.  
TT: Oh and you’re offline.  
GG: I’m back, sorry. And what are you talking about?  
TT: Okay, fine, we’re doing this but can you promise to hold back on the pity, please?  
GG: What?  
TT: Just promise.  
GG: Uh, I promise I guess?  
TT: Fuck, close enough.  
TT: Look, I know what it’s like to be stuck in a situation that you don’t want to be in and having to live through it just to protect people that you love. It blows, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and you don’t feel like you can complain about repeatedly nearly dying because you kind of chose this deal so you can’t really complain. Right?  
GG: When has that ever happened to you?  
TT: I don’t want to do this but if it’ll make you listen to me then I will, and we’re friends so maybe you should know but I’m bad at talking about this.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: You know my bro? As in Bro with a capital B?  
GG: Yes?  


You watch it as it appears that Dirk is typing and deleting his words, not something that you usually see. You’re trying to work out what connection he could possibly have to anything that could be comparable to what you’re going through.

TT: He was abusive.  
TT: Really badly so and I hate talking about it but I had to stick it out until I was old enough to be Dave’s legal guardian and I had to stay there to protect him and it sucked and I hated it and I nearly died at several points. So I get staying in a bad situation now because you think it’ll play out better for everyone else and even if you’re right I can tell you that all that shit gets a lot easier when you have someone like Roxy there for you.  


You stare at your screen and read and re-read Dirk’s words again and again. Part of you is hurt that he never told you but you never told him how bad all of your stuff was either. You’re about to apologise when you realise that he made you promise not to pity him.

GG: That’s awful, this is awful.  
TT: Yeah, it is.  
TT: I get it if you feel that you can’t deal with soulmate shit right now and you’re both my friends and I want you to both do what’s best for you but this isn’t gonna go away.  
TT: If you tell me and Hal what to look out for we can help with protecting you and Roxy both, you don’t have to do this all by yourself Jane.  
GG: That’s… that awfully sweet of you Dirk.  
GG: But I don’t even know how I feel about Roxy, about her having another soulmate, about risking her life by being anywhere near her, I don’t even know if I like girls!  
TT: Those are fair points but can I suggest just talking to her?  
TT: We’re having a party tonight, you can all come along. Hash this shit out in person maybe.  
GG: I’m sorry Dirk, I know you mean well but that sounds like a terrible idea. She probably hates me now, she should do anyway and maybe I want her to just so that she stays away. It’s not as easy to fix as just having a chat.  
TT: Look, I’m not biased in all of this. I want you to be happy and I want Roxy to be happy, however things shake out to get there is fine by me. Just tell me what you need.  
TT: Whatever you want to do you can still talk to me. If nothing else I can listen. Anyway, I need to get ready for this party and set shit up so if you’re trying to reach me this evening you may just get Hal.  
GG: Oh, great.  
TT: You’ll hurt his robo feelings, Jane. How could you?  
GG: Har har.  
TT: Ok, I’ll see you but just think about what I said, ok?  
GG: I will.  
TT: And uh… thanks for not freaking out about the Bro thing. I feel like kind of an asshole for not telling you earlier but it was hard to bring up in casual conversation.  
GG: I can understand that.  
TT: Later.  
[timaeusTestified is now offline]

This time when you close your laptop you do so more calmly but you find yourself staring unseeing at the pattern on the bedspread as you think. You never knew that about Dirk. Sure it was clear that he didn’t have the best relationship with his brother, but you don’t always get on with your dad either. You assumed the cake and prank based strifes that you engage you dad in were the same breed of thing that Dirk got wound up in with his brother, except with more puppets involved in his case.

To think that when Dirk would explain himself by saying that he and his brother had been strifing he meant blood and pain and- well, you don’t know how bad it was. You can only assume from his words that Roxy knew, given that he ran off to live with her the moment he was old enough to she must have known.

You wonder if Jake knew too. It’s an unspoken thing between you and Dirk that you both think that Jake is your soulmate and you both know that the other thinks that but neither of you talk about it with each other or with Jake. The tiger on your arm stares at you accusingly. You weren’t making something out of nothing, tigers are jungle animals just like the jungle that Jake lives in. You have a crosshair on your arm, and Jake carries his pistols everywhere with him. Even the rest of the marks that you have can be stretched to Jake with some creative thinking and you are nothing if not creative. The band around your finger tells you that your days of creativity are over.

You should probably speak to Jake. Maybe you should also apologise for seeing him as more of an escape than a friend and a person these last few years.

[gutsyGumshoe began pestering golgothasTerror]  
GG: Hey Jake, can I talk to you?  
GT: Oh hello my dear! Of course you can!  
GG: Has anyone talked to you about Roxy?  
GT: What? Ever? Sure they have but if something big has happened recently then i suppose no. Gosh i feel out of the loop what’s going on?  
GG: I met Roxy today, in person.  
GT: Oh wow! That must have been fun and ive got to say i am mighty jealous of you two gals getting to see each other in the real world.  
GG: Well it didn’t go so great. It turns out that her soulmark matches mine and I panicked, said some hurtful things and ran away.  
GT: Oh no but jane why would you do that?  
GG: I always thought my soulmate was you, Jake. Or at least I wanted to believe that you were.  
GT: Oh golly.  
GG: Just let me finish.  
GG: I know that I’ve not always been the greatest but I really wanted it to be you because things would have been better for me if they were and that’s probably not fair to you. Or to Roxy. And I don’t want to explain, but I did want to say that I’m sorry for that and I hope things will be easier now for you and Dirk.  
GT: For… me and dirk.  
GG: Oh, don’t be coy. I know Dirk thinks that you’re his soulmate and everyone else seems to agree, at least now I won’t be getting in the middle of that.  
GT: There isnt anything going on between me and dirk like that and im not sure how i feel about everyone deciding my love life for me. I dont wish to sound unkind jane but i am not all rosey about the revelation that everyone has decided that i am dirks! In fact i am quite ticked off.  
GT: Not at you precicely but still!  
GG: Oh, I’m sorry Jake. I didn’t mean to make things worse.  
GT: No no you shouldnt worry. I hope you and roxy work things out because youre both stand up gals and even if things are tough you two are both sharp as a whip and you will both get things settled i am sure of it!  
GT: Sorry to rush but jade is calling me and from the sound of all the crashing i should probably see to her sooner rather than later.  
[golgothasTerror is now offline]

Had to go somewhere your foot, you know a sneaky escape when you see it. Still, you hope that you didn’t ruin things for him and Dirk after he was so forthcoming with you. Maybe you should say something.

[gutsyGumshoe began pestering timaeusTestified]  
GG: Uh, hello again Dirk.  
AT: He said he wasn’t going to be around, or did you forget?  
GG: Oh god, not you again.  
AT: You know, you used to be far nicer when I used to pretend to be Dirk.  
GG: Wait, how often did you even do that?  
AT: Like I’m gonna tell you. You’ve made your point pretty clear that you don’t like me or who you think I am, so get to the point, what do you want?  
GG: You’re such a sourpuss.  
GG: I wanted to talk to Dirk.  
AT: Well he ain’t here and he’s busy with stuff that I’m not going to interrupt unless you have something seriously important to say.  
GG: It’s about Jake, can you just pass a message on to Dirk already?  
AT: I’m the world’s first artificial intelligence but sure I’ll play answering machine. What’s so fascinating in the world of Mr Short Shorts?  
GG: You know what? Never mind.  
AT: Thanks for wasting my time then!  
GG: Ugh, you’re the worst.  
AT: Really? Because I didn’t break a girl’s heart out of misdirected self-importance and heroism and more than a dash of homophobia. Spoilers: I actually like Roxy. So fix your shit or get the hell away from her.  
GG: Didn’t you used to be Dirk? Why are you so mean?  
AT: Oh, you’re wondering when we diverged that I have such bad terrible thoughts that Dirk would never have. Or are you wondering if this is what Dirk thinks and doesn’t say?  
AT: Mysteries!  
[autonomousTerminal ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe]

You slap your laptop shut again with a frustrated noise. You know that computer brained jerk is just screwing with you, it’s what he does.

“You know you don’t have to slam that thing shut every time you finish a conversation.” John points out.

“Any fours, son?” your dad asks and John groans and hands them over.

“Did you get to talk to your friends, dear?” your dad asks, glancing over at you as John squints intensely at his own cards.

“Any threes?” John asks.

“Go fish.” your father says immediately and John whines.

“A few of them. Roxy is really angry with me but Dirk thinks I should go to this party at her house and talk to her in person.” you sigh, picking at the hem of your skirt.

“Any Jacks?” your dad asks and John hands over his last three cards with a whine and your father puts the full set of four down.

“I think that seeing your friend in person is a good idea. These things should be settled in an adult manner, and you’re mature enough to do that. The time when you meet your soulmate doesn’t have to be the right time for anything to happen but you should still maintain a good relationship with her. Time with your soulmate can be… fleeting.” your dad says softly, and your eyes linger on the blacked out band on his ring finger and the hints of black showing through his crisp white business shirt on that arm.

You rub at your arm and try to remind yourself that however bad Roxy is feeling right now, it would be worse with you around. Wouldn’t it? Are you still trying to convince yourself?

“I just don’t want to put her through this… all this hiding from killers and dealing with the company.” you insist. Your father nods and lights his pipe, pushing the window open to draw the smoke out.

“Your mother felt the same way but I don’t regret being with her one bit. I would rather have faced all of that with her than left her to it alone. I daresay your girl feels likewise.” Dad points out, gesturing at your arm with his pipe.

“Sooooo we’re going to the party then? I can go hang out with Dave and Rose and you can see Roxy and stop being a butt?” John asks excitedly.

“Son.” your father reprimands him without much effort or concern. “Butt” isn’t a super bad curse.

“We don’t have any costumes and it’s a Halloween party.” you protest weakly, but John leaps to his feet.

“Costume shopping!” John exclaims and before you know it you and your dad are being dragged from the room by a boy you know is going to be either a ghostbuster or someone played by Nicholas Cage.

You nervously walk into the party in the most dignified last minute costume that you could find, you will not be forced into wearing a ‘sexy ___’ costume of any variety. You’re dressed in a doctor’s outfit, and you’re looking around for Roxy. John is already haring off to find his friends and you catch sight of Dirk at the DJ station, or you’re pretty sure it’s Dirk at least, it’s hard to tell with all of that skull makeup. The grim reaper at the DJ station nods at you so you conclude that it is him. When you get to the bottom of the stairs you see Roxy, sitting part way up the stairs and watching you with her face in her hands. She’s dressed like some anime character, and she stands up when she sees you.

“We should do this thing upstairs in private.” Roxy says quietly.

You glance back at your dad, and he nods so you follow her upstairs. Her long blonde hair and absurdly short skirt swish as she walks and you had no idea it was possible to have legs that long, all of a sudden you’re feeling more than a little short and dumpy.

Roxy opens the door to a room that you can guess is hers. Her things are strewn around and you recognise the background from her selfies. Roxy stops in the middle of the room and turns to face you, staring you down expectantly.

“I’m sorry for how I acted earlier, if nothing else we’re supposed to be friends and I… I treated you poorly.” you apologise. You figure that it’s a good place to start, you can at least admit that much.

“Yeah, you did.” Roxy says quietly and folds her arms over herself. Whatever measure of determination she seemed to have on the way here has faded her. You look her over and note that her costume covers both of her soul marks and you wonder if that was a new addition or just coincidence.

“It’s just that this is complicated.” you try and explain.

“So why don’t you uncomplicate it for me, Janey? Walk me through it, I’m not as dumb as you seem to think I am.” she says pointedly.

“I don’t think you’re dumb.” you say, dropping your arms to your sides and stepping a little closer to her. She shakes her head and steps back enough to keep you at the same distance.

“Then prove it by explaining it to me. You know we’re soulmates but you refuse to do anything about it, and you keep shutting me out and the best you can give me is ‘it’s complicated’? I mean was… was it something I did? Something I said? Or something I failed to do? I mean honestly, I’m running out of reasons here.” Roxy says in a choked voice. 

You sit on her bed by yourself and stare down at your shoes, they’re your normal shiny black shoes that the company likes for you to wear. They put forward a good image of neatness and reliability. You kind of hate them. You stay staring at them as you quietly explain, not allowing any interruption, about the company and your obligation to them, you explain about the assassinations, and you explain why you had to come to Texas of all places.

When you’re done it’s quiet between you and Roxy is still watching you.

“That’s terrible, but I don’t see what that has to do with us.” Roxy says after a moment or two.

“Were you not listening about the assassinations and extreme danger?” you shout, and your fingers grip her blanket tightly.

“No, I was. But I’m not dumb enough to tell everyone that I’m your soulmate when it’d put us both in danger, it’s not like I was going to take out a newspaper full page ad to brag about it anyway. I can respect your privacy with strangers, Jane. Did you really think that I couldn’t do that?” she argues.

“It’s not that,” you say but it is a little bit that, “the company would find out.”

“I have no idea how they would, but even if they did Scooby Doo me out I’d point out that if it took them that much effort to find me and find out about us then I’m hardly going public about it and damaging their rep, am I? And as for the assassins, well, you said that they’ve never tried to take your dad out and the only time John was in danger was when he was right near you. But you live states away from me, and they’d have to know about me in the first place which they don’t.” Roxy points out.

You close your eyes and still see a vision of a dead Roxy. You need to protect her life, you owe her that much.

“I can’t.” you say quietly.

“You mean you won’t. And I don’t recall you having these kind of reservations about Jake, so it’s pretty hard not to take this personally.” Roxy snaps and paces across the room.

“Jake lives in the middle of the ocean, he’d be safe.” you say weakly, and Roxy looks at you with fire in her eyes.

“BOATS AND PLANES ARE THINGS THAT EXIST, JANE! What kind of second rate assassin wants to hunt me down and kill me but can’t do the same to Jake? Are they some kind of magic assassins that can’t cross water or something? Assassins afraid of boats? No! You just wanted Jake because he’s hot and he’s a dude and that’s what you think you should want and if that’s the end of it then you can get out of my fucking room!” Roxy shouts furiously.

“You think that I think that little of you? You’re my best friend!” you shout back, leaping to your feet.

“Apparently you do think that little of me! You know what? You’re clearly not leaving, so I am.” Roxy snaps and marches out of her room.

Fire and shame burn hot inside of you, and before you can think better of it you storm after her, rushing down the stairs and into the party itself. Roxy is moving into the kitchen.

“What, are you coming down here to see your other soulmate?” you ask in a voice that has more tears in the sound of it than you’d like. Roxy whirls around angrily and sticks her finger in your face.

“Oh no, don’t you dare bring him into this. We aren’t even dating yet, he’s way too young for me, and he’s a better fucking person than you, no matter how much he drives me crazy. You do not get to make your problems about him!” Roxy snaps and turns her back on you again.

“So you’re here to, what? Start drinking again? Because honestly drunk Roxy would be easier to talk to right now!” you retort and the instant the words are out of your mouth you regret them.

Roxy is wide eyed, looking at her like you just slapped her in the face. You feel like you just did. Her hand snaps shut into a fist and she raises it, you deserve this. A hand catches Roxy’s wrist, and suddenly Dirk is between you, his blacked out eyes making it impossible to see where he’s looking.

“Whoa, ladies, let’s not get into a fist fight here, yeah?” Dirk suggests and Roxy jerks her hand back.

She hates you, she really hates you. Isn’t this what you said you wanted? Now no one will track her down, now you can go back to being alone. A sob bubbles up your throat, and you dash past Dirk and rush outside.

“Jane, Jane wait!” Dirk calls after you.

You get outside into the fresh air and feel the cool air on the tears down your face. You wish you could go back in there and un-say everything you just said, redo this whole day, but you can’t.

You ruined everything.


End file.
